Hi, I’m Leah Tait
And here’s a story about the journey that almost broke me. But didn’t.
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Why I Do What I Do
Almost 2 years ago, I left the Church. The heaviness of loneliness sat on my chest almost immediately. My community. My belief system. My friendships. And even my family. Gone.
Besides my world crumbling down, I still had the conditioned narrative swirling in my head from a lifetime in the Church. That’s not a simple on/off switch. It’s a complex, emotional roller coaster that makes you feel like you’re failing and making horrible decisions.
And so after walking the path myself, I now help other moms realize that chapter 2 of their post-Church life isn’t just going to be okay, it’s going to be better. You are now the author of your story, and you can pen it way better than a Church led by men who don’t know you for who you are.
My Full Story
As told from my diary. In the midst of it all.
April 18th 2021
Something shifted in me today. For months, I’ve been feeling less connected at Church. And this disconnect feels strongest when I’m physically at Church. Today, the tiny kids were repeating words they’d repeated for months, bearing their testimonies.
When I heard one of their mom’s share ‘I just feel so bad for everyone else who isn’t in this Church cause they don’t have THE truth like we do.’ Hearing her say that, I wanted to puke. Are we elites? Is this really how the Church feels? NO! My whole heart rejected that idea and apparently, my body did too.
Throughout the day, I was flooded with questions. My beliefs. Everything felt weak. I have to talk about this. My truth has to come out. The Church’s love is conditional. By not being perfect, I will always fall short. I feel like I’m failing even though I’m giving this every ounce of my effort. My being.
That night.
‘I’m done!’ With what? my husband replies. ‘The Church.’ It shoots out of me like a rocket. It took every urge not to slap my own hand over my mouth. But at that moment, after an hour of tearful conversation with my supportive husband, it felt like the kettlebells on my chest had been lifted.
Sure, I was fearful. *cue the racing thoughts* My friends? Will they still be friends with me? What are my kids going to say? What happens now?
I need to tell people.
April 25th 2021
The kids know. I told them last night. Mommy doesn’t believe in the Church anymore. Ty (my husband) isn’t ready to ‘come out’ to the kids– even though he hasn’t had a testimony in years. That’s his story to tell.
The kids are sitting on the couch. They knew something was off. We’re not a ‘family meeting’ family. I need to share something personal. It might shock or upset you. Please do your best to be open-hearted. I will not be going back to the Church. I immediately follow this truth with an open statement that they are welcome to choose what they would like to believe. I’ll drive them there. I’ll support them. 100%.
Lots of tears. Especially from me and the girls. Jack couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. He’s angry. He’s allowed to be. But it breaks my heart. It’s complete silence with him. I don’t think I’ve stopped crying for over 24 hours. Please give me the strength to get through this pain.
June 30th 2021
2 weeks ago I came out to my Bishop and parents. I sent it by email. This helped me keep my emotions out of it. My Bishop replied respectfully. My dad did too, with only slight undertones of disappointment. My mom. Well.
“I respect your decision to leave the Church because I believe in the principle of free agency our Heavenly Father gave us in this mortal life. I am concerned about how your decision will affect our relationship in the next life. You chose to be born to us, and you were born in the covenant which means that you are sealed to us forever in the eternities to come. But this special relationship has a condition. And your choices here have consequences that will affect the eternal future of the generations that follow you.”
Her words sear. She’s never been one to offer unconditional love and pride. Holding her to the standard of my ‘Mother Manual’ always sets me up for pain.
I’m still waiting for replies from M___, D__, S______ and D____. M___ and I were close. It feels like a lifetime ago, but still. The silence. I can only imagine they hate me. Drowning in sadness, I try to come to terms with the idea that I’m about to be alone. And those who I love the most and need the most are turning their back on me. Cold to the touch. Like we were nothing.
August 21st 2021
Repeat after me: ‘It’s not my fault that my parents and other family members are hurting because I left the Church. It’s the doctrine’s fault.”
I have been feeling guilty for months. My family dynamic is different. Jack has started talking to me again after 3 months of silence, but the tension is still alive and well. Nonetheless, not having him only speak to other family members makes things feel ‘normal’ again. If you can even call it that.
He stayed in the Church. That’s 100% okay with me. I worry he’s sitting with people who are talking crap about me. My biggest fear is someone takes him ‘under their wing’ and he creates a Church family that becomes stronger than ours. He’s almost 18. These last few moments are precious before college. And I’ve never felt more distant from him.
I still feel grateful. We’re talking. That’s a step.
