More on My Story

I never EVER anticipated leaving my religion.  It was too integral a part of my identity and day-to-day life.  How could I leave it behind?  When I imagined my picture-perfect future it always involved weekly church, various church callings, my children’s temple weddings and attending my future grandchildren’s baby blessings.  I could envision it as clear as day.  I truly considered myself ‘Mormon for Life’ and wore it like a badge of honor.  Life without Mormonism wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind.

It’s intriguing to witness how very different and yet, how very much the same one can be, post Mormonism.  I’m still the same me en masse.  I didn’t immediately drive to a tattoo parlor the day I decided to leave the Church to get tattoo sleeves, though I find absolutely nothing wrong with this.  I didn’t stop off at a local happy hour to get drunk on cosmos.  And I didn’t round off the day throwing out all my clothes and restocking my closet with tube tops and daisy dukes.  Sure, this may sound absurd, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have believing-family members insinuate the possibilities of me acting on such seemingly inevitable impulses.  Instead, I spent the days and weeks after leaving much like the days and weeks I had prior to leaving.  My everyday behaviors didn’t change all that much.   But, there was a profound change within me.  I was starting something new, a new chapter.

I’ve always loved reading.  For many years I sold children’s books and built my children’s library from floor to ceiling, filling every nook and cranny with all kinds of stories.  I believe that stories are what connect us all.  So it makes perfect sense to me that I see my life as a book.  Chapter one is my life before leaving the Church and chapter two is my life after leaving.  My life book wouldn’t be complete if we ripped out and then burned all the pages from chapter one.  In fact, chapter two wouldn’t even make sense without its forerunner.

Chapter one portrays a girl in pursuit of acceptance and love who struggles to feel worthy of either.  She is observant and learns quickly that obedience and performance will get her somewhat close to versions of both.  Peacemaker, good girl and golden child are all personas she adopts, disillusioned that the praise of others will earn unconditional love and worthiness.  She absorbs the teachings from her parents, the Church and the community believing that what she is offered must be THE truth.  She pushes all questions and doubts from her mind presuming that such curiosity is not what good girls dabble in.  She checks off all the boxes that make her feel like she’s doing everything ‘right’; abstaining from sin, going on a mission, accepting and fulfilling many callings, marrying in the temple and having children of her own to whom she passes on these teachings.  

And then one seemingly insignificant Sunday at church…she lets go.  The white-knuckling of perfectionism and people pleasing comes to a halt.  Her soul whispers to her, ‘enough is enough’.  In the middle of a fast and testimony meeting she suddenly wakes up, for the first time in her life.  A switch has been flipped on within her and she suddenly sees everything and everyone in bright light.  Something changes within her and there is no going back.